On goodbyes and hellos.

Can you hear it?
This voice of mine was sucked emptily into darkness
If the world has meaning to it,
Then these kinds of feelings aren't futile

I was crushed by my longing and had given up
Without even knowing the color of the endless sky

I began to run, because my feelings, even now,
Are definitely beating against my heart

The me of today will continue towards our destination
We'll amass our own tomorrows

The answer, yes, is always right here

I don't have the time to lament the seasons that have passed
So that I won't ever waver again
With countless, tiny little
Regrets carried in my arms

I've come this far, having chased only after your back
It's something only I, who sought you, can do

Those words you gave me that day, even now,
Definitely reach my heart

I've realized my reason for having been born
Today more than I did yesterday

The answer, yes, is always right here

It was as if everything was completely natural
Our precious days haven't ended yet, and then, again

I began to run, because my feelings, even now,
Are definitely beating against my heart

The me of today will continue towards our destination
We'll amass our own tomorrows

The answer, yes, is always right here

Good gravy I love that song.

Hey there folks, I suppose this is goodbye! Well, you and all the chinese spambots that have accrued over a lengthy period of doing absolutely nothing. I got my results today, and on the leaving cert, I have to say this: I did not study the hardest, but I studied hard. I did not do the best, but I did good. I did not get my number 1, but I got my number 2. I got a result that I can honestly say I am proud of. I'm not going to pretend that I coulnd't have done better here or there, but I am proud of what I have achieved. And this morning, what I had achived earned me social work in UCD, my number 2, which I can honestly say is one of the best things that I could get.

So I'm heading off to college then! Big things lie ahead, and I'm looking forward to what will probably be semi-grown-up-ness. But, I feel like this blog has ran its course, the life of a secondary school student from.... 4th to 6th year? Wow, three years? Maybe it hasn't been that. I want to keep it around though, maybe to look back and see where I came from every now and again. Thanks for reading, all of you, your comments and readership was at its heart, what kept this blog running.

On me, I guess I should say this has been one of the best and worst years of my life, I worked hard, and experienced some truly wonderful things over this year, but in honesty, I have grown distant from God, and that is a distance that has grown exponentially in the latter days of this year. So many good things happened, but like solomon, I've found that with God at an arm's length, they lack meaning and purpose. Like I said, the latter days of this year have been pretty messed up. I've done some truly terrible things, and I have lost a fair measure of friends here and there, and as cheesy as it might sound, I also lost major parts of myself along the way. But these things happen in life, and I truly, truly am looking forward for rebirth, renewal, and redemption as I seek God and try harder to live my life for him in this new college year, making new friends and building new bridges even among those that have been burnt. So here is to claiming and reclaiming wisdom, building and strengthening friendships old and new, and the redemption, rebirth, and relationship that God gives us, just because he loves us.

And also reminiscence, just because it starts with a "re".

So goodbye!

Play me off, Johnny!

"Hey, I wonder if this still counts as a quote even if it's just me saying it!" - Lorcan Murphy.

In America!

I am in America! I'm on a visit after 6 years away from the motherland, and I must say I am quite enjoying myself. This is going to be a short post, so I will keep it that way. Food here is delicious, but really, really, really terrible for you. Not even kidding, 90% of the entire menu of a Chili's is at least more than 50% of your daily amount of calories. That is an underestimate, there were options that would be, by calorimetric estimation, the only thing that a woman should have eaten that day. And even then that can be too much. So naturally, there are many, many overweight people. It's not to say that buyers should take no personal responsibility, but I can see the difference even in cultural attitudes towards food, there is a nearly "loreal" kind of attitude, namely "because we're worth it" in which one is caught in a catch 22 situation of either indulging because you deserve the break, or admitting that no, you do not deserve to enjoy the new double cheese-chili baconator with extra bacon. The breakaway from this is to realize that healthy food, when skilfully prepared, can be even more enjoyable than some manner of deep-fried grease, but cultural attitudes can be difficult to overcome. That all being said, there are some super awesome health food places here and there, with fresh produce and all that, but things that leave one feeling digestively proud of themselves are certainly in the minority.

Ok, so I'm a dirty liar, that's not a short post at all! It's interesting to note the differences, I suppose the main ones would be that Utah is by a considerable margin full of nicer people than the Dublin I'm acquainted with, but also by a wide margin, full of, frankly, stupid people. In general. Well, I'm off to do more things! Happy Summer!

You know, nintendo...

http://e3.gamespot.com/press-conference/nintendo-e3/

Maybe it's time we gave this thing another shot.

On being dangerous.

I just felt like blogging about this, it's been bugging me lately. Also, ah-ha! I am still alive and have not fallen down a well.

A term that gets thrown around a lot in christian circles is the adjective "dangerous". It's usually used in conjunction with doing some of the things that are more likely to get you strange looks for Jesus. Which is really great! Taking the step to think "you know, I am going to move to an impoverished place in the world and devote my life to making their world a better place" and then go on such a journey is a really cool thing. Or even the littler things like "hey, I'm going to bring up God in conversation and maybe try talking to this person about him.". I think that things like that are really important in a faith life. But what bugs me is the word "dangerous" that people use to describe them. For crying out loud! Cougars are dangerous. Driving your monster truck blindfolded is dangerous. Giving lots of money to poor people is not dangerous. Please, use the word "important" or "life-changing" or even "scary", but stop saying dangerous. I am aware that is sounds pretty edgy and cool, like some guy named "Jack" whose top 5 hobbies include: "mountain biking", "working out", "wearing sunglasses", "wearing tank-tops" and "gazing into the sunset at 3/4 posture while looking stoic", but please. Dangerous things are there to harm you. I am at least 99% certain that living for Jesus does not involve harming other people.

Half a poem.

I’m laying down baggage
For the journey ahead
I’ll carry no weight
No such worries like lead.
I’m letting it slip, lacking want to reclaim,
On vulnerable sails, I’ll drift without aim.

I’ll lighten my load in the soft morning light
Grant zephyr, O Lord, please bless me with flight
I’ll not seek to find land.
Bring no food nor provision,
and subsist only on the manna
you bring
when I wake.

God’s wind I’ll rely on to fill these sails,
courage for the stomach so sea-sick with ails.
Guide me to harbor when in need of repairs,
I’ve no crow’s-nest, nor sextant, nor putting on airs.

___________________

Maybe I can't reach all the dreams I'm hoping for, maybe I can't learn from all the mistakes I make, and maybe I can't vanquish all the skeletons in my closet. Maybe.

But so help me God, it won't be for lack of trying.

Song

"I hope to be there by the morning
and see this pining all transforming
into the arms of the Georgia sun
Savannah
I'd love to feel the heat the sunrise
Brushing rays across my windshield as if one dries
the streams from off my face

Yet I know you'll be there cause you'll know I'll want you to be there
And we'll say hello as you're smiling in love
And we'll sigh so relieved I believe because we will both know by
tonight we'll feel normal again
But until then
Until Then
Until then

Savannah
Our backs supported by a hammock
we sum up perfection like a handbook
and God knows it all too well
Savannah
We'll take a walk to find a gift shop
Who would've thought the book that you bought
would never come off the shelf

Baby
I spent my life wondering
Wondering when I'd find you
I searched for all these years and now you're right here
I need you to know that
Everything makes sense when you're with me

Savannah
Walk out into the sultry evening
Cotton breathing when the sea winds
brush the hair down around your neck
Savannah
You hold my hand like it's the first time
and all the feelings that our hearts find
will be just what we expect"

So Relient k released their new album "Forget and Not Slow Down". It is seriously one of my favorite albums of all time. I love the above song, and "Sahara" as well. I have been studying, but not as much as I should be, but still more than I'm entirely comfy with. 6th year is a busy year, which is why I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like. Not that it tires me, it just takes effort, I guess. But I enjoy it.

Up until five minutes ago, I thought that spinach tasted like soggy grass and believed deep down that the people who liked it were secretly part cow. Now I think I might like it.

When I read King Lear, I find I relate to Lear more than I am entirely comfortable with. We are reading it quite a lot. I think it's my favorite play. I hope I don't get totally screwed over by my daughters due to their evil (or my jerkishness?) someday.

I finished reading "We need to talk about Kevin".

I am all sorts of out of sorts, or am I?

I am on my way to a higher options conference in dark of night with google maps and my bike (yet to be named) as my only companion. Wish me luck!

I am doing ok.

People were pretty miffed last night about the whole hand ball thing. Which is quite understandable. That ref is kinda suspiciously obstinate.

You are reading this (I can't see a way that sentence could be false! Unless someone was reading it to you, but I have no idea if that would still count as reading my blog).

This baaarely counts as a blog post. :P

"i am too panadol stoned for this conversation."- Laura F. -facebook comment.

What are you folk up to? Murder? Arson? Wedding plans?

On shell shock.

So! I am all better now. I had missed about a week and a half of school due to bronchitis, and I eventually became well enough to get through the 1 2/2 days of school. (wednesday was a half day and so was friday). Dearest Nicoley even came to visit me while I was ill. Aww! She's a super lady, and I really needed the company! I realised upon her visit that she was the first human being I wasn't directly related to that I had had a conversation with in a week. Jeez, I was losing touch! Isolation is never a good thing. But, I learned quite a bit from my time alone, and God showed a lot of strength through me without anyone to look over my shoulder. Seriously though, people. Matthew 25:36 was not kidding, people need visiting. I can only hope that I have learned from this experience and will be more generous with my time toward those who need company. I had in part, forgotten how to have chats with people. But, I had the weekend to look forward to. There was paintballing. There was bruising. There was fun times for everyone. This post is now like, one week old. I can't even remember what the rest of it was supposed to be about! Probably paintballing and friends. C'est la vie!

Also,

When Harry met Sally may now just be my favorite romance movie of all time. Just sayin'.

Calm before the _____

So, school tomorrow. I still feel like something the cat dragged in, despite four days of potent antibiotics and 7 days of near-total rest. I dannevenknow. I feel like I have a temperature of some description, but for whatever reason our house is devoid of working thermometers. We've got some mercury ones on the way from the post because you can't buy them over here, and blah blah blah. I feel pretty lousy. I really don't want to head into school tomorrow, but can I afford to miss any more school? Then again, this is a chest infection, by the ominous name of "Bronchitis". That name always made me think of dinosaurs, like the Brontosaurus. So if I push myself, I'm just going to get worse, and I don't wanna do that. Flippin' antibiotics should have this thing sorted by now, or at least so I'd hoped. In all likelihood, I won't be going to school tomorrow. When it comes right down to it, I know if I really do feel like crap, there's no way I'll be bothered to do the bike into school. No maths, anyway, and I'd be missing a third of the day due to games and irish. Still. I am going a little mad for boredom and isolation. What I would not give to see another human friend that wasn't immediately related to me. Whinging helps though. A little. :)

Watched some more Doctor Phil, and I noticed something! He has a facial tic. He closes his eyes from time to time with a noticeable force (Just in case any of you were thinking "That's blinking, Lorcan.), but what I like about that is that it doesn't make a difference. He never even brings it up, because it genuinely isn't important. One of the youth leaders at my youth group talks to kids at various schools about Jesus, but he has a stutter. I think that's really, really awesome. It's like, there's this thing that you'd think would hold you back, but once you actually look at it, there's no reason for it to, so they just went with it anyway.

I'm probably not being too coherent, I blame it on the illness. Bored out of my skull. I downloaded an emulator for a game I had when I was a kid. I'm uncertain whether or not this makes me a hypocrite. I mean, more than one usually would be. I'm anti-piracy, but then, I've always tended to follow my own ideas of what is fair rather than what the law would specifically state is acceptable. Then again, I have no idea about the law. I wish you could just google these things. You probably can, maybe I just haven't looked hard enough. At any rate, I owned the game as a child, we lost it, I can play it now, they've stopped selling it long ago, I don't see that as unfair. But call me out on it if you will. I beat it, anyway. It's called "Survival kids", and you play as a 10 year old boy or girl, shipwrecked on a desert island, with the goal to survive and eventually get off the island. This game has always tickled my fancy for various reasons. I mean, what 10 year old boy wouldn't dream of such an awesome scenario? Obviously without the whole fear of death and loneliness and stuff. Because you're ten. It's a good, fun game.

The idea of survival has always been a kinda fun scenario for me, I quite like the idea of self-sufficiency. Which can play to my pride when I mistakenly try to live without others' help. Which is silly and all.

"When I realize it
I’ve been playing through the same place
And I died at the same location after that
Never giving up, challenge against the disappearing stepping tiles
But soon only to fall off from it
If only I have the tools No.2
It’ll be easier to reach the other side but
No matter how many times, no matter how many times
I can’t defeat Airman
No matter how many times, I couldn’t dodge the tornado
Despite jumped behind and fire repeatedly
I got blown off eventually
I even tried rapid time firing
But it’s meaningless when I pit it against the tornado
So in order to win the next round
I can only reserve the E tank to the very last moment

When I realize it
I only left a little bit of life
And I use the E tank at the similar place
Never giving up
Not easy reaching Airman’s place
But I don’t have anymore credit
If only I have the leaf shield
It’d be easier to defeat Airman but
No matter how many times, no matter how many times
I can’t defeat Woodman
Falling leaves
No matter how many times, I can’t dodge it
No matter keeping distance away and went behind
Eventually the distance will be shortened
I even tried rapid time firing
But it’s meaningless when I pit it against his agility
So in order to win the next round
I can only reserve the E tank to the very last moment

If only I have the tools No.2
It’ll be easier to reach the other side but
No matter how many times, no matter how many times
I can’t defeat Airman
No matter how many times, I couldn’t dodge the tornado
Despite jumped behind and fire repeatedly
I got blown off eventually
I even tried rapid time firing
But it’s meaningless when I pit it against the tornado
So in order to win the next round
I can only reserve the E tank to the very last moment" - Air Man ga Taosenai (Airman will not Die)

Still Alive

So, I went to the doctor today, it turns out it's just a chest infection, not the aforementioned swine flu. How that happened baffles me. For all the "Wash your hands every hour on the hour" mentality, living under the same roof as someone who has it, and spending two days at a camp where a good friend of mine had it baffles me. It's like the entire firing squad missing you or something. I just don't know. Maybe I already had after 10-12s. I had been informed that I didn't, but who knows, that'd be the only explanation that I could think of. Still feel quite bleh though. My entire body seems to have rallied against me, turning me into some sort of ghoulish figure. I am a noxious vestibule of grease and coughing, at time caught in that most trying of decisions. Do I need to excrete or vomit? That one's always a toughie. Nobody wants to be caught relieving themselves and then discover all too late they've made the wrong choice and get sick all over the floor. TMI turkey? Perhaps. I'm on antibiotics. I can't remember if I posted this on my blog or just twitter, but antibiotic means "Against life". How evil-sounding is that? Yet we'd be in a very sad state of disarray without them, despite that they sound like a robotic nano-race hellbent on humanity's extinction.

I just watched TV today. I've noticed a sliding gradient of talk-TV shows. At the bottom, is Jerry Springer. You know, somebody's ho's been cheatin' on him, and dayyyumed if there ain't gonna be some big brawl in which half the noise is beeping and half the screen is full of securtiy.

Next on the list is Maury. At first, I fell for it's guise as a serious talk-TV show. But no. It is not. It is just Jerry Springer dressed up as intelligent. They still have secret paternity tests in which the drama is played out for maximum effect while we, the romans, get to chant and cheer while the proverbial lions of strife draw in for the kill. I actually turned it off at one point, I think there's a limit to how much of someone's personal life should be broadcast on international television. The subject was quite good though, I had quite an admiration for the guy in question. The man had decided that regardless of the results of the paternity test, he would stay with his significant other and her child. What I saw as impressive though was that she was only his fiancee. I mean really, he would be within rights to just up and leave, but he didn't. I admire that kind of commitment. When the woman found out, she ran off the stage, while the man reaffirmed his decision. As he held her in his arms offstage and told her how much he loved her, I couldn't help but realise that there was a camera crew surrounding them. It's kinda like: "Dude, give them a little bit of space?" Cripes. I can see why people freak out at the paparazzi like they do, I think having your worst moments filmed for people's interest is kinda messed up, needless to say enraging. I just switched the channel, with the slightest waft of shame for having watched Maury.

And then, at the top, is Doctor Phil. He's a classy guy, like a big loveable Texas teddy bear. Not to mention he reminds me of Nexus, who has earned the nickname "Dr. Phil" for his compassionate and caring nature. And that he likes to help people. I couldn't think of a decent adjective for that. At any rate, the topic of the day was commitment. And commitment-phobes. Interesting subject, not limited to just men, from the looks of it. It's a tricky fear, really. I think I'm a little young to be properly affected by it, or at least deal with it. But then, I could be wrong. I suppose the only fear I'd have is that if I got married it'd be to the wrong person and it'd all just fall apart or something. But luckily, I've got the redemptive love of Jesus in my life to give me a bit of a wake-up call and say: "Hey, I'd be there to help both of you work through any problems." I think when God left infidelity as the only excuse to get a divorce (And not even that, really, if you take what Jesus' said.) that that says a lot about marriage. That if God is present, two people can work through any problem together. Maybe I'm just showing some sort of naivete with that kind of talk, perhaps it's the truth, but in either case, I think he meant what he said, and that two people that had become joined wouldn't have to be caged to unhappiness for the rest of their lives. That fresh starts could be made, and love long dead could be resurrected. I think so, anyway. Is his arm too short?

And on to my last topic, of why God's way is the best way. On two counts. I think it's vital to marry someone that's a christian as well, otherwise I don't think one could expect God to work through them and with them if they'd really rather he didn't, or didn't believe at all. And another recurring theme in these stories was pre-marital sex. Which meant that the people had kids. And that, my friends, is trouble. Hahaha! Not kids, not kids! That came out wrong. But making difficult decisions about your relationship are made a lot more complicated when your decisions can deeply affect your offspring. On the one hand, having kids can keep you in the relationship, which can be good and bad, I suppose. You'll work at happiness a lot harder if it's the only option.

On the other hand, if you leave, you've just done a lot of damage to your kids, like it or not.

The last thing, I guess, is sex. Apparently the number one reason (or so says doctor Phil's cited research at least) that guys don't commit is because they can get sex regardless. Which isn't a very noble thought, in either case. I don't think you should marry just to get some nookie cookies. If that's your goal, you gotta re-evaluate some things. But I think your decisions will be a lot clearer and more objective if you're not up to your eyeballs in funky hormones. That, and the previously mentioned kids. I don't think any of those couples decided: "Well, I'm not ready to marry you, but what the hey, lets have some kids!". Birth controll is effective, but you can always get a Juno on your hands. I think abstinence just keeps things simple. But also probably a little dorky. But that's a small price to pay to avoid gettin' punched-up by yo' ho' on Jerry Springer and getting a headache from all the bleeping.

Maybe I just like saying "ho".

"Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'." -Michael: The Office (US)

Wait.... *groan*

So, this morning getting out of bed I felt like a brick of fried suffering, I rolled out with a hack and a cough. But after that I felt better. I realised I was probably still sick to some degree, but tuesday is triple maths, and whenever I miss a maths class, I come back to find we've all learned how to fly or something like that, and next week we're all jumping off a cliff to hone our skills. So I elected to head into school anyway. I downed a lemsip, garbed myself in what has been described as my "Bicycle safety ninja" outfit, and was on my way to school. I felt pretty good until I got to the common room, to be honest. Perhaps it was seeing people full of vitality and life that drew my attention to my less than exuberant status ailment. So I figured I'd stick around for the first few classes, then see how I felt. So I then went home after my first class as I felt a headache coming on a like wave from an ocean of bricks. So I spent my second day home sick.

I am loath to fall prey to such fearfulness, but my brother had been feeling rather ill lately as well, and our good Doctor gave, in her professional opinion, a label of swine flu upon my brother. I really, really, really hope it's not swine flu. I'm fine with feeling like burning bacon fat for a few days, but I can't afford to miss a whole week of school! However, the growing ache in my stomach speaks a truth. I realised today that should I feel properly crap-tacular tomorrow, I will likely stay in for the rest of the week. Eugh. That would suck. But, such actions are necessary. I've watched one too many zombie movies to allow myself to become the guy who got bit but kept it to himself right up until the end where he turned and bit the protagonist's girlfriend. No sir. I am highly uncomfortable being by myself in a house for extended days at a time. I am going to have my brother take the modem to school in all likelihood of such an occurance. You do not leave a crack addict unsupervised for days at a time with heaping crack rock lying on the kitchen table, you do not leave Lorcan Murphy unsupervised for days at a time with an internet connection. It is just not done. But we shall burn that bridge as we come to it, in the words of a giant rat in a trenchcoat.

So here's what I've gotten up to today. I've been reading through "Inverloch", a comic by the same lady who does "The Phoenix Reqieum". It's a finished comic, so there shouldn't be the problem as detailed in my last post. I've got a flaming stomach cramp just now though, so I'm gonna cut it short.

This: Is quite pretty and fantasy-RPGish
This guy: Is pretty scary.

Aren't my days productive?

"And Rene Descartes/ was a drunken fart/ I drink therefore I am!" - Bruce's Philosophers Song": Monty Python

Screen-shaking fury!

Ok, so I search "top webcomics" on Google, and found this little webcomic, "The Phoenix Requiem". I went through the first few pages, and realised I had tried to read through it once before, it was familiar! But I realised I had hit new comics after the first chapter. Holy crap you guys, I give this thing a big two thumbs up. Three thumbs up. I actually just grabbed Grant's hand and forced him to make a thumbs up, just so that that statement could be factual. The artwork is UNSPEAKABLE. Really. There are times when I do a double-take, just to see if he has used three-dimensional software, or photoshopped a photograph of a person into the comic. None of these things have occurred. The artist is extremely talented. Each comic is like a beautiful painting, and the characters no less. Each one has a backstory, talents, hopes, and secrets, and it is oh so enjoyable to see them develop and react with each other. So so good! Give it time though folks, like any story worth reading, it takes a little while to get started. Come to think of it, the Bible doesn't. It starts off pretty epic right away. But back to the topic at hand!

It is also long, with 485 comics in the archive. I am ashamed to say that I read through them all in a matter of an hour or two. My shame is because I have not appreciated the art. Really, truly, they are works of beauty. Which is what prompted my fury. If you are into webcomics, like myself, you have all eventually reached my current point. You begin a story, and find you enjoy it. Reading more. You grow an endearment to the characters. Reading more. The plot wraps its arms around you in an inescapable embrace of curiosity, reading more. You find you fall in love just a little bit with the world itself, reading more and more, becoming drunk with the sheer quantity of delicious fiction you are ingesting and then nothing. Stop. Halt. Comics update of mondays and thursdays. click to vote for top webcomic. Here's the forum. "NOOOOOO!!!" was my cry. It is a cruel fate for readers of webcomics, as if your latest novel was dropped off with the sunday paper. A literary booty-call. Just a one-night stand? But I find myself deeply in love with this comic, even if I can only see it unfold twice a week. I eagerly await thursday, my friends. I eagerly await.

New readers, start here!

"We have our own deity in Mishara, Professor. Magic is a myth, not part of our education. I can see the appeal though. It'd make being a doctor much easier." - Anya Katsukova, "The Phoenix Requiem, page 8"

Sickly!

So, I am sick, and monday being about my least important day of the week for school, I have elected to stay home. I am going to go do some study now, but not before sharing with you these two comics.

One! "Rob and Elliot". Genuinely funny misadventures of two roommates. I realize I have just desrcibed about 99% of all webcomics ever, but this has more of a "machall" kinda feel to it. Funny, and light.



The other one is not funny. At all. I laughed about once, to be honest (at a white Nelson Mandela), but it is not a funny comic! It's about a gay guy with OCD. Which is a bit of an understatement. I will warn you, the first two pages are him and his boyfriend having sex. But it's not vulgar, honest! It charts the difficulties of the guy and his struggles with compulsions fears, and anxieties, and his stresses of dealing with other people. You feel kinda bad for him while reading it, mental illness is always horrible. I guess we all have our worries and fears, it's just difficult to see when people can't deal with it for medical reasons. Another thing about it is the depiction of his relationship with his boyfriend. I suppose there aren't too many examples of such relationships in the media, so it's good to see what they're like in reality, I think.

I suppose it is difficult though. If you've read Leviticus, you know God's stance on such relationships, and that God considers them to not be how he planned us humans to get along. But when you see that two people genuinely love each other, and even seem to show it more than some heterosexual relationships, what exactly is there to say? Complicated subject indeed. We discussed it in relatively large length at my youth group's weekend away. Inconclusive answers for the most part. One can conclude that being involved in a sexual relationship with someone of the same gender is not as God intended is about all you can really say. And "in the old testament" to be added, for further uncertainty. We are all aware it is not a choice. But with evidence to show that it is both something that you are born with, what are we supposed to say? We were posed with the question: "Is that fair?" and the only thing I could think of is "It isn't fair." I suppose why so many people become homophobic and hateful is because it's a complicated subject. It's easy to just say "it's their fault, they're responsible, it's bad!" and then staunchly stay to your own side without fail, certain that you are right. But when you look at the facts, there isn't anything to hold against them. Complicated, complicated, complicated. But there are some facts that each of us do know, as Christians. We cannot judge. We must love. God loves each of us equally. We are all equally sinful. And that's the facts I aim to stick to, above all else in such matters.

Well, that went about five miles off topic, here's the comic anyway! It's a deep little ditty by the name of: "I'm Crazy"




*stomach groans*
"Man, I'm hungry like nobody's business!"
"Well, when was the last time you ate?"
"I SAID IT WAS NOBODY'S BUSINESS!" - Rob and Elliot, "Rob and Elliot"

That is actually a little scary

Just a little. I am having moments like this every now and again where I realise that I am actually older than kids at this stage. Pokemon was 10 years ago, people! Aladdin's been out for nearly twenty years! We are no longer kids.

On that community yoke.

So, my school's first day of Christian Union starts tomorrow, and as part of God's running sense of humour, I am running the asylum for the first day. I mean, really. Of course, we are all flawed humans equal in our coming short for qualifications for service, but sometimes I realize that I'm part of the leadership team and it just strikes me that as part of his plan, this is where I'm at right now. Me, people! It's like someone put a recovering alcoholic as captain of their ship. But, all this is for the best, as at the end of the day, it will be God speaking through me that does the real work. The wonderful response to my questioning: "This is it, God? I'm going to be part of this? You sure you don't want someone more qualified?" That the answer is a resounding "Yes!". It boggles my mind.

At any rate, the talk for the first meeting is all written up, and I am both eager and relaxed, which is a comforting change. I've done stuff like this a few times now, so the jitters of speaking to a bunch of people and saying: "Ok, so I did some digging in the word, and now please listen to what God hopefully says through me.". And experience gives the comfort that they're not going to chuck me through the B floor window. At least, they haven't this far. I'm exited for this year though. The kind and nifty Jonny Somerville is "getting some heads together" for a panel of questions about faith and whatnot for January, and it's not in vain when I say "Thank God!" That the teachers are really willing to get up to their elbows involved in the work this year Nicoley and I are both in 6th year, so we'll need them about when mocks and the inevitable Summer Quiz comes lumbering towards us.

The thing that troubles me though is people attending. Not just about CU, but the communities of faith I'm involved in at the moment. The kids club I help out at on fridays is at an all-time low of kids, and those that do come are mostly at their parents' enforcement, and those that do come tend to be more interested in yelling and grabbing as much notice as possible rather than listening to what we put together for them. Which sounds like "Children aren't serious all the time, ka-gasp!" But, seriously, they're looking to close the thing down. Which would leave me out of a job for friday evenings. And sure, it's volunteer work, but I've got kids to feed! Fictional or no, they still need to be fed. My current youth club too, has seen a drop in attendees. I heard from someone recently that youth workers are on the decline, that youth interest in Christianity wanes and waxes, and the jobs associated with that rise and fall as well.

That kinda frightens me. I've witnessed apostasy in friends before, and if honest-to-goodness scares the pants off of me. Was this all a trend? Was eternity just for a weekend? Scares me to death. The concept of apathy gradually working its way around your neck and applying pressure newton by newton until your faith's last breath leaves your body with a shuddering, silent whisper. Of course, many such deaths witness resurrections from the almighty, but still, whenever I see someone close the door on their faith, whether with a resounding slam or a faint click, I cannot help but wonder: "Will that be me someday?" Luckily, unlike most of my others, such a fear does not warrant worry, to me at least. Despite being the thing I fear most.

However, I am aware of my own hypocrisy. I am secretly a master of not showing up. I may be involved in various groups of believers here and there, but I know, deep down, I am well practiced at hitting the "Busy" button when God comes calling. I know this is something everyone struggles with though, so I'm fairly certain nobody's going to leave a comment saying: "Goodness Lorcan, you horrible sinner, I've never skipped out on spending time with God once!" And if you do post that comment, please include someplace we can meet up, because you need to teach me your secret! However, I'm aware that a checklist faith of "Pray for 15 minutes, read your bible, Christianity ticked off for today!" isn't good either. Tricky, all the same.

At the time of this writing, we had CU yesterday, and unfortunately about only 3 people made it, which was kinda discouraging. My lovely youth leader Jonathan gave me a call later on in the afternoon to check how it went though, and was very kind! He showed empathy and sympathy, and what's more, encouragement. He's a nice guy, that Jonathan. Welp, that's all I've really got to say for today.

Oh! Wait! I also had a Netherlandese person controlling my computer yesterday to help set up a video game client. Risky move? Undoubtedly. However, it seemed to have to have had no adverse effects on my system, besides a grinding horror at watching my mouse move around and do things of it's own free will. It rendered me with the niggling feeling like my computer was about to burst forth legs and arms, and out of the arms, saws, to rend me and my brother to pieces. Fortunately, no such slaughter occurred. It's crazy how much you can learn about someone just from rifling through their PC, it took the Rob (the techie in question) about five minutes to find out my address, video game preferences, and even who I am currently romantically involved with.

It was interesting, really, me, him, my brother, and another friend or two of his from the Netherlands were all talking while said Dutchman set up my videogame client. And in the fashion of young men acquainted with the internet, the conversation quickly turned to "hey, let's see where this bloke hides the porn!" It was a little shocking even to my own ears to say: "There's none. Search if you don't believe me, you won't find anything." Of course, the dude didn't believe me, and regaled me with tales of the last dude who made that claim, and the approximately 2.4 seconds it took for it to be proven false. I felt a sense of calm and removed peace to be able to be completely at ease as the guy rifled through my computer to set up the client, certain beyond a doubt that I had absolutely nothing to hide from him or anyone. I think we must be doing something right as followers of Jesus when the claims we make (In truth, mind you), are so fantastic and grand that people just don't believe us when they hear them.

Okay, maybe I was just a little ashamed about the fact I was over level 100 on mafia wars, but that's it! :P

"Why don't you stand up? Be a man about it? Fight with your bare hands about it now?" - Paramore: For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

On the mountains.

So, no 6.6 today, instead our teacher had what I would consider a relatively uncreative idea, and just had us run up and down the same hill for half an hour. Why? No-one can say. The 6.6 is next week, but in honesty, it's not really going to be the 6.6. He has said that everyone's just going to run their best. Which means it'll be the 4.4 for a small few, the 2.2 for most, and the 6.6 for none, as running that distance in under 30 minutes is beyond the ken of most mortal men.

Bleh. Like the shawshank redemption, there was word passed out today by none other than the teacher himself that one of our fellow runners had indeed escaped to greener pastures. And by greener pastures, I mean Table Tennis. Yes, Table Tennis, the Valhalla of Games options, where one can play one of the sporting worlds' silliest sports, dilly-dally about, or just do homework, while chatting amiably with friends, and for all I can conceive, sipping martinis. Alas, my friends Nicole and Brian already attend such a fabled option, and I am frequently taunted by their superior fortunes. So this is Lorcan Murphy with his rockhammer, desperately hoping he can get out to the Se Wateneo of table tennis. I need Nicole and Brian, they are the kinda folk who can get things, from time to time.

In different news, I am going to see Paramore in december, and am currently working my way into a liking of the band, which is easy-going. I'm thinking I'm gonna buy "All we know is falling" and "Riot!" thus far. I like the lyrics. Paramore seem like a pretty genuine band as far as I can tell, and that endears me to them. Honesty in their lyrics of equal portions trouble and mirth. Good listening.

I am not, however, going to buy "The Final Riot!", I do not think. It's "Riot!" But live. The latter part of the album is pretty freakin' sweet, but the first half is heavy-laden with concert speak, which has always rubbed me a the wrong way. Perhaps it is my ancient distaste for worship leaders who whip their congregations into a frenzy simply for the sake of a frenzy spilling over into a more secular setting. But all the same, when someone tells me to put my hands in the air, and encourage me to exclaim that I was "born for this", I am more likely to fold them over in reluctance and ask for an explanation of what exactly "this" is, before I devote my whole existence to whatever it is. Who knows, sweet and lovely Haley could secretly be talking about crack for all I know. It's happened before. I thought "Coin Operated Boy" was the most bittersweet song about impersonal sex while craving a deeper loving relationship, and boy, was I wrong. Insofar as the main object of the song's focus flew over my head like an airplane, leaving only an echo in it's wake, for me to flippantly look up and question: "Did anyone just hear something?". I am not one for casual declarations, I suppose. But that all said, I am loving their music.

"I put my faith in you so much faith, and then you, just threw it away." - Paramore "For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic" (no emotional relevance, I just like that line in the song :P)

Triumph!

So, today, I have gotten a haircut, gotten my phone checked out for errors, sent off my registration form to vote, and set up two new bank accounts. This might not sound like all too much, but in 6th year, time for errands isn't always high. I deeply relish filling out such to-do lists.

LIMIT BREAK!

So, almost as a little sequel to last night's post, I have decided to not rely quite so hard on solidarity. God is an unchanging God, which of course is to be sought after, but he still had his "woo!" days and his "not so woo." days. And hat the honesty to call out the difference and enjoy the two. I seek to sing songs of praise when I am happy, and pray and perhaps even blog when I am sad, not just do nothing all the time in hopes that means nothing good or bad is happening. So let's live life to the full and other cliches! :D

Today, I have tried to live life more fully. So far, I have accidentally worn my underwear backwards all day, seen a small boy high on dentistry painkillers (who is now the face of a new charity, and seen Pee Wee Herman talk about crack. If that's not life to the full, I don't know what is!


Also, that dad is some kinda crazy mix of awesome, hilarious, and cruel for uploading that video! When dear David grows up, I doubt that teen Dave will have many kind words to say about becoming an internet phenomenon.

"Is this real?" "Is this gonna be forever?" - Aforementioned David.

More running.

At this rate, this blog is fast turning into "Personal Response to double games on a monday afternoon", but all the same. So far, I have liked cross country. It has been an opportunity to lightly push myself physically, for which I was, as they say: "game". But today involved running like you were being chased by a pack of velociraptors. For some reason, my spellcheck refuses to acknowledge that "velociraptors" is a word. Perhaps the inventors of firefox had a crippling fear like the guy who does XKCD and refused to admit they existed. Anyway.

Today was effectively "sprint day". Which was pretty lame. We did a warmup run of effectively the whole school, and then began just sprinting up and down the pitch. Sure, it was dressed up in various forms, but at the end of the day it was: "Run very quickly over here, and then back. Repeatedly, now!" Never before have I felt more like vomiting due to sport. We even did the aptly named "Suicides", which is just sprinting up and down a rugby pitch. And then our school's photographer, Mr. P, came to take photographs for the school newsletter. I was lagging behind in the group, and he kindly said:
"You look like a man who's having a good time there, Lorcan!"
"I think I'm going to puke. They did not mention this on the games options sheet. I was not informed!"

I am not sure if he took my photo or not. I am in two camps about my sweaty, nauseous, exhausted visage showing up in the school newsletter. Perhaps some will look upon it as a violation of human rights and bring down our current teacher to enforce levels of exercise that could be described as  "Sane". On the other hand, I'm sure I really did look like crap. So that's not great.

I feel I could bring up my resistance to this scheme for religious reasons, for as it was written in first Corinthians 9:24:
"24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."
And forsooth, as it was also written in Ephesians 6:13: 
"13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

So perhaps some sort of argument could be struck that I was not running the race in such a way that would allow me to, after having done everything, to be physically able to stand. All it would involve is some relative misquoting, come on!

The teacher is a relatively nice guy, don't get me wrong, he's a classy English guy who acts like a classy English guy to levels reaching Alan Partridge awkwardness, but the dude seems to have a borderline cruel streak when it comes to running. I understand his enthusiasm as a dude who does laps around the school pitches just for fun, but seriously, dude needs to realize that we're not all "athletes". And no matter what, never ever introduce a more challenging style of running with the phrase: "New regime." All anyone thinks of are Nazis. It's 6.6 miles next week, so if I come back reporting vomiting or profuse weeping, be not surprised.

I prefer a much more relaxed pace, I've never been much good at sprints. My skill lies not in power, but more endurance. I long for sturdiness and reliability over flash and bang. Steady minimum over unstable maximum. Short sentences over elaboration. :P Though of course like any other carbon-based life-form like us, I both long for and enjoy the peaks and valleys. Perhaps I simply choose to avoid them more often. But all things in moderation, including moderation, I suppose. I am in need of learning how to "chillax", as the kool kids say. I have found riding a flatter, unwavering line of existance not to be as satisfying as I once thought it would be. Don't worry though, I'm not going to go try crack or anything! XD

But enough of that for now. People need to stay open later, it was seriously irritating to find that both the barber and the banks were closed today. I never got that about banks. Open at 9, finish at four, never open on weekends. What is up with that? I'm not saying that the workers should be whipped to exhaustion, but seriously, just, I dunno, hire some new guys? Nobody else seems to have a problem with it. People's free time and the times banks are open seem to be two separated Venn diagrams. Never understood that.

Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.
-Closing of "Serenity", the pilot of "Firefly".

We need to have light discussion about Kevin.

I have that title because I am only about halfway through the book. When I finish it, perhaps we will need to thoroughly discuss Kevin. But for now, we need only light discussion. A brief discourse, perhaps.

I'm reading it, and it's pretty heavy stuff. Heavy like a heavy metal (In the chemical sense), where it can do bad things if it gets too deeply ingrained in your system. I find I can identify with most of the characters. That is, I find it easier to fear that I identify with the characters' shortcomings.

I can, unfortunately find myself in Eva's listlessness and blazze disposition with most things, in her continual dissatisfaction with life's events, in truth, I even have replicated her 10th birthday myself, building things up to impossible heights and then being disappointed even with the grandest heights. I fear for winding up like her, perpetually cranky, always withholding some snide comment like an unrejected poison. But luckily, I can relish the moments where I can step outside both myself and herself and find myself different from her complaints, and think: Cripes lady, chillax! And in those moments, I am comforted by that it is, for the most part, just a book. That once the shine is off the apple, it need not be a death sentence that the whole thing will rot entirely in a matter of time.

I find I relate with Franklin as well, to some extent. BECAUSE I'M AMERICAN, OF COURSE! Nah, though perhaps that might have something to do with it. He's got what could be considered lofty ideals and tends to be more in love with ideas and concepts than reality per se. Which could line up with me here and there, I suppose. But man, he can be a real douchebag to Eva sometimes, it's like: "Franklin, I have deep dissatisfaction with my life." "Take those feelings Eva, and cram them deep, deep down, and then never mention them again." His selfish attitudes are something I would fear to find within myself.

Kevin? Meh. I suppose I haven't read quite enough about him. But really, I don't relate well with him, at all. I have, in the past, had this fear that I could secretly be a crazy person. Well, proper crazy, not like, "I love to eat onions with pomegranate juice, isn't that crazy?" kind of crazy. Which I suppose, is why I did and did not read this book. I avoided it in case they described Kevin as "Enjoying video games, going to church, writing in his blog, surfing facebook, and also secretly being Lorcan." Then we would have a problem on our hands. But I kept a stiff upper lip, and decided to take this book, and perhaps any demons that reside within it, head on.

To my relief, from birth, given Eva's description, she might as well be named Rosemary. I had been told by Nicole that the book keeps a relatively neutral stance between nature/nurture, but seriously, His hobbies at 2 include all but "cackling maniacly and praying to Lucifer, father of lies." Perhaps I am simply not far enough in, at 4, he does seem more to be something of just a problem child. But at any rate, it is all ahead of me.

And if I may boast, I did figure out one of the major twists after only a few chapters :P

"I don like dat." - chilling words indeed.