I was going to hardcore funnel my journal in, but I did not feel like doing that, so I will not. I feel kinda like George Bailey from "It's a wonderful life" when he comes home all grumpy and complainy and everyone's like "Dude, WTF?" Grant's also reading this over my shoulder. that is EXTEREMELY IRRITATING. Privacy. I am going to punch him if he doesn't stop tapping me. 3. 2. 1. I just went ballistic and tickled the crap out of him, untied his converse, threw one into our spare room. Then locked said room once he went inside. This was not satisfying. As I was saying. I am a grumpy bear. I am just stressed out. Exams in 6 weeks. I just can't study. I think I'm afraid of responsibility or something. Everytime I think to study, I just magically find myself on the computer reading something or other I honestly find boring. I also will not be doing my piano exams. I was going to attempt grade two. I didn't practice enough. I didn't know my songs well enough, really. It was very frustrating. I didn't even like them, really. I suppose that isn't fair. I liked them, in the way I might think a MCR song is good, listen to it once, then promptly forget it ever existed, but that was about as much as I liked these songs. Bleh. Just feels stupid to have spent those months of what practice I did, which is still fairly considerable. Not enough, but even a maginot line has some bricks in it. Those months, and 90 euro of my parents money, for nothing, really. Except guilt over not knowing them better and some residual shame that I didn't do the exam. I also didn't have any practice for ear-tests or sight reading due to my stay in Zambia, and the fact I felt mildly sick a few times so I just skipped practice. But this is splitting hairs. I am grumpy because I had a responsibility to complete, and I failed at it due to procrastination and all that jazz. Grumpy. Bleh. I think it is ok to be grumpy. Is it? I don't know. Not for too long, and not for no reason, and as long as you don't lash out at people. I suppose I'm just reacting to how I feel. I feel stressed. I don't want to feel stressed. There is no immediate way to escape said stress that I know of. This is frustrating. Frustration leads to a sort of underlying anger and said circumstances. And that leads to the daaaaaaark siiiiide.
I also long for more anonimity on this blog. Which sounds stupid. I mean, if I didn't have my friends reading this, my readership would probably drop to about 1 at best. But it does kinda suck to not be able to talk about people. I mean, I do not wish to gossip about who may or may not totally be secretly dating Adam Meadows *hair swish*, but it would be nice on a few fronts. Like girls. I cannot talk about romance on a blog that people I know read. Someone might read it and tell said person. Or said person might read it themself. Who knows! It could lead to all sorts of drama. And like said grupmy current disposition, sometimes people read stuff like this and react to it in real life. There is something peaceful about not needing to be ok all the time. To know that one is grumpy or sad or frustrated and realize that this is unfortunately a natural part of the current human experience and just surf over the wave of proverbial fecal matter. When someone asks "How are you?" The answer is just about always "Good." Unless you want a long discussion about something that is bugging you. I like how Jesus said that those who are poor in spirit are blessed, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. I never understood this, I'm still not sure I do. Does that mean it's better to be feeling down than up? I don't know. But at the very least it is comforting to know that one does not have to have a giant grin on their Chevvy Chase 24/7 to be a Christian. I am going to do a post about webcomics next.
"doot doot dee doot, this lyric totally accompanies this blog well" - I couldn't think of anything.
4 years ago